I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
British websites use biscuits.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble