Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope