I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Encore…
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs