Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.