Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.