I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.