Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
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I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Effort made
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
when mom throws a party…
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.