Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Ha.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that