Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂