I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
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Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.