[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
You Might Also Like
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.