They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
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Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
🍛
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.