Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.