The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
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Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.