Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
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My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.