You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Monday
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
guilty
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I bet
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*