A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
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[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl