Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
lmfao
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw