I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Jesus steals the winter solstice
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I’m calling the cops.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
what day is it?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Close call…
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.