Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
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Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Software Development ⛵️
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.