[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
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being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
me and my fake scenarios
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.