Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
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Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
“our sushi is very fresh”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.