Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
nice challenge
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
this could fix me