Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.