Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I laughed at this way too hard.