“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
.. do you even science?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]