Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
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I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
This could be us… but you playing
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.