Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
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Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
August 8
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
this is literally a CIA plant
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned