Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye