Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.