Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Help Wanted
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Effort made
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”