I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
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Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician