Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life