Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas