Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”