I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.