This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Nice try Hitler
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me :
All Day At Night
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Do not levitate over flowers