“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Check out the legs on this baby
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
how long have you had this for?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“i miss shittin on people”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”