I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.