Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Ugh
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.