[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
cyclists
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.