Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.