“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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Mouse
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Tastes like chicken.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
happy friday
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.