Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
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*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda