Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
You Might Also Like
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know