Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
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cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Ok but actually
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.