If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
The answer is funnier than the question
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.