Netflix: We have Less
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
relationship goals
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second