me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
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Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy