Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Support your local cemetery
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.